Thursday, January 10, 2013

So...I'm trying

I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm trying to continue on a day at a time. But sometimes that's really hard.  Sometimes I want to just go home, pull down the shades, turn off the lights and curl into a ball and cry.

Not everything happens for a reason.  This isn't a test to see how strong I am... I've been told by countless people how strong I was after I lost Dylan, why would anyone need further proof?

We are getting closer and closer to our dreaded appointment.  The next ultrasound where they will measure our sweet little Noah and determine when to deliver him.  Out of everyone we know (and that's a lot of people), I feel like we are the only ones who dread ultrasounds.  I mean think about it... we've NEVER heard the words, 'Everything looks great guys, congratulations".  We've been pregnant 3 times.

Many of the ladies that were pregnant at the same time as I was with Dylan are pregnant again.  I cannot stress enough how happy I am for every single one of them.  At the same time, I'm jealous.  I feel bad about myself.  I get angry.  I should have been able to post Birthday and Christmas pictures of Dylan.  I should have been able to hit all those milestones around the same time they were with their babies. But no. We got our hopes up then with Noah.  "ok now we will be able to do those things...change dirty diapers at home, not sleep, put the coffee in the fridge instead of the microwave, etc" but again no.

ok see, I just went to the dark place...time to get out.

Dylan helps me with that. I think back about all those smiles. And all that love and I know that he wouldn't want me to sit alone in a dark room and cry.

That's why I do what I do. That's why I have a March of Dimes team, that's why we raise money for the mission, that's why I donate items to the very NICU that gave us those 2 months. It's all for him.  It's all to keep his memory alive and to do great things in his name.  And I will continue to do it, and hassle people to walk with us.  Can you blame me??

Have you seen this face??

We love this picture of him...he looks like he just figured out his plot to take over the world.

For the month of January, we have some fundraisers going on, you may have heard ;)
Read more here

1 comment:

  1. First of all.. Your commentary for the pic of Dylan is PERFECT {his little fingers all "muah ha ha"}! And secondly... Not the strongest person in the world should have to deal with what you've dealt with. Your journey has sure strengthened you though. You deserve ALL those hopes and dreams you so honestly wrote about. I will be praying over your ultrasound. -neighbor nellie