October

I used to love this month.

It has my birthday, my BFF's birthday, my sister's and grandma's birthdays, and my favorite holiday, Halloween.

As a little kid the month of your birthday is full of excitement and anticipation. Plus, my mom was a BIG birthday person too, so the house was decorated and she always made YOUR favorite meal. Who am I kidding, I still loved my birthday month even up to a few years ago.  Ask my BFF Angie...she has to share a birthday with me :) And we used to work together. So EVERYONE knew when our birthday was, because I was SO excited and had to tell everyone. Thankfully, she still loves me :)

Plus, it is cooling down and all the leaves are changing color, fall has always been a favorite season.

But now as soon as Oct 1st hits, a weight in the pit of my stomach starts to form.

I have honestly cried everyday this month so far.

No it isn't all the additional stress with school and things with my mom (she's better now, thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers-she is home recovering)

I remember when I was turning 16.  One of my grandpa's had just passed away.  I told my parents that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday.  And my friends got together and contacted my dad and surprised me out at my dad's house one weekend for my birthday (Do you remember this Ash? Dad maybe you do too?).  I was SO PISSED. I turned around and walked out of the room they were in.  I just wanted to be allowed to grieve and it didn't feel right to celebrate my birth, after losing someone important to me.

Well...now multiply that feeling times a million.

My baby boy passed away 5 days before my birthday in 2011.

And I'm supposed to celebrate life?

 When they aren't here.

I told you I can't stop crying either, so that doesn't really put me in the party mood.

In two days, it is also the anniversary of us losing another special person in our lives. Last year we lost Patrick's uncle Mike.  He never made me feel like an outsider, he always treated me like family. So he was my uncle too.  And talk about a love for life. He was ALWAYS smiling and singing, dancing and cooking in the kitchen.

I can honestly tell you, that I really don't care much for this month at all anymore.  I'd be fine with removing it from the calendar completely, but I'm sure other Oct birthday people might have a small problem with that. But I can dislike the month now.