2 years ago today...

2 years ago today, we had to say goodbye to you.

And while it makes me cry (and probably always will), there were many good things that happened that day. Because of two VERY special doctors, Dr Humphrey and Dr Leuthner, we were able to take you home. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

We drove in that Monday morning knowing what the outcome would be.  But we didn't want you feeling an ounce of our sadness.  You had one of the overnight nurses that wasn't my favorite...and she had given you some medication that made you sleepy.  She didn't know you well enough to know that you were only irritated because you didn't like the ventilator system you were on. You liked running the show, and breathing when you wanted to.  If she had known you... Mommy wanted to punch that nurse, but instead took a deep breath and carried on.  I asked to hold you.

And hold you I did.

I held you until I wasn't able to anymore, when the transport team needed to get you ready for our big trip.  Transport was very nice and helped make sure that you were bundled up enough so you wouldn't get cold.  We put you in your moose fleece and your special hat that great grandma had knit for you. When you were all bundled up and secured on the gurney, mommy and daddy joked that you looked like you were going to the moon on a rocket ship.

They then told us one of us could go with you.

We looked at each other, and your daddy let me ride with you. Daddy knew I didn't want to let you out of my sight, and I didn't want you to be scared. I wanted you to be able to hear me talk to you, and tell you that it will be okay.

Dr Leuthner wanted to give you some pain medication to help with any discomfort.  But he knew you :) He gave you a half dose, because you were our little superman.  A half dose was all you needed. And then we started the drive home.

The sun came out and it had turned into an unseasonably warm day for October in Wisconsin.

When we got home the ambulance pulled into the driveway, and we were greeted by all of your grandparents and your dog Vedder (who was VERY excited to meet you).

We went inside first, to get everything settled and to see your great grandmothers, the cat, and your aunt and uncle (who were helping by taking videos and pictures to remember the day-THANK YOU).

Everyone got a chance to hold you, and kiss you, and tell you how much they loved you.  It was wonderful to see you home and completely surrounded by love.

We then took you outside, since it was so nice out.  You were able to breathe fresh air, and feel the sun on your precious face.

And then really meet the dog...

Puppy kisses

Then mommy and daddy took you back inside, to your room, to see and feel your crib.  Mommy even got to change your diaper at home! Only one, but I'll never forget it.  I know some mommy's and daddy's get sick of dirty diapers, but if it meant you were still here with me, I'll take all of them. Yours and their babies dirty diapers.

All your grandparents, great grandmothers, and your aunt and uncle left so that we could be alone with you at home.  The doctors removed your tubes and we were able to hold you for the first time without them.

I was able to cuddle you the way I always wanted to, the way every mother should be able to...but not all do.

so was daddy :)

We had a few hours together. To be able to sing and dance, read to you. Kiss your sweet little face. 

And we promised you, that we would be okay.  It's because of that promise little man that I get out of bed and continue doing good things in your name.  Because trust me, it would be a lot easier to pull the shades down and stay in bed all day. We honor that promise to you, sweet boy.

I was holding you in my arms with daddy sitting next to us. Daddy and the doctors were talking and I wasn't completely paying attention to the whole conversation.  But I know we both heard the important parts.

Daddy told the doctors, that given the chance, we would have done it all over again.  Knowing everything and how it all turned out, getting the opportunity to carry you, give birth to you, hold you, love you, and know you made all the tears and pain worth it.  That to us, you were (you still are!) perfect. You took your last breath after hearing what daddy had to say. 

I thank God for how peaceful it went.  You didn't suffer at all, no struggling or pain.  I thank God for those two doctors who made our dream of taking you home a reality. 

And I know that you may not be with us physically anymore, I know you are with us.

Because, I carry a piece of you. 

I carry it in my heart.