How we celebrated you...

Hi sweet boy! I hope you got your balloons! Were you watching for them?

I HAD to buy this one when I saw it! How cute is this truck balloon?

McGraw family knows why I HAD to buy this one too ;)

Since we already got two, why not a third? :)

Daddy said a few things to you and then, we let them go and fly up to you.

Then we went out for pizza at Pizza Man.  We ordered pizza with extra sauce, just the way you liked it. 

We were laughing and smiling, thinking about you.  Remembering the little things that some might tend to forget.  The day daddy combed your hair straight up and then in a business man style. 

It was a good day.  I miss you so much baby.  It's hard to explain, I know other mommy's would understand.  It's like a part of me is gone. It will never be filled by anyone or anything else.  No one or anything will ever replace you.

I love you to the moon and back. xoxo

Happy Birthday Dylan!

My sweet boy,

Today my darling, you would be turning two.  And you know how much mommy likes birthdays :) Do you remember how I would decorate your pod (room) every week for your weekly birthday while we were at Children's hospital? And we had those monthly photo shoots when you reached one month and then two. You looked so handsome in your onesie ties, just like daddy.

Your birthday present came early on Monday.  I got you your very own copy of Clifford goes to the hospital. I know it was one of your favorites while you were in the hospital.  I can still picture your sweet face and raised eyebrows when I would make my voice change for the different characters.  After we were finished, I'd rock you to sleep and either sing to you or just soak you up by smelling and kissing you all over. Those are some of mommy's favorite memories.  I could've held you forever.

Baby, I can't promise that I won't cry today especially since I've been crying for at least a week leading up to today.  I think of all the things I want to do with you today.  I would have loved to get up extra early and make special pancakes and bring them to you to eat in bed. I wish I was able to throw you a birthday party, make you a special cake, and sing and dance with you in the kitchen. You're old enough now where you would actually get joy ripping your presents out of the paper, I would have loved to see your little face light up with each gift. I would've decorated your room with balloons and crepe paper, and made a crepe paper barricade for you to run and rip through.

I can't help but picture you running around with Landon and Gabe. You three would have been the 3 musketeers without a doubt.  I think of the playdates you would be having with them, going to the zoo, a baseball game...

I can't help but think of you being bossed around by Lily and Iris (bossed in a loving sense the way little girls can boss ;) ) and playing house and school. Running up and down the block with all the kids.

I can't help but think that your little face would light up like Isla's, when you would see your puppy, Vedder, rolling around on the ground or chasing a ball.

Mommy and daddy are going out for pizza tonight to celebrate you.  While you were in mommy's belly, pizza was the only thing mommy wanted to eat (so I'm guessing it was one of your favorites too). With extra sauce! We have our balloons ready to send up to you also, so make sure to keep a look out for them.

We've been getting cards all week telling us that people are thinking about us and praying for us.  But an extra special one came yesterday.  It was a birthday card for you.  It tells you how you live on in their hearts (you know you do in mommy and daddy's, but look baby, you live on in so many more).  And that you inspire them everyday and how your sweet smile will shine on within them. I am so proud of you honey.  You can't imagine the impact you have had during your short time here on earth.  You've made mommy and daddy become better people, reaching out and helping others.

I always knew that I wanted to be a mommy, and you were the best little boy a mama could ask for.

I miss your smells.
how your hair felt falling through my fingers when I washed your hair
How your little hand would grasp onto my finger and not let go
Those cheeks that went on and on for days
And of course your special pair of eyebrows that knew how to work the nurses and staff and Children's hospital.

I'm going to ask Dave & Carole to play one of your favorites today.  You had a soft spot for Clapton, and would always have a little dance party in my belly whenever you heard Layla. So if I hear Layla today, I'll know it was meant for you.

I know you'll have the birthday party up there, after all you've got your baby brother and Taylor too. Not to mention all of the great grandparents that will no doubt be spoiling you! I know your great uncle Mike will whip up a great feast for you of whatever your little heart desires, he's such a wonderful cook! and great Grandma McGraw likes baking, so I'm sure she's got something very special planned. Make sure to share your cake with Taylor and Noah.  I'm so happy you have each other (I'm not, but I know you understand). But it doesn't make me want you here with me any less.

Somehow, we woke up at 3am this morning.  I'm sure you had something to do with that ;) We fell back asleep, but we both remembered 3am two years ago when you came into this world. Thank you.

I love you to the moon and back forever and always muffin.

words can be healing

Someone shared this poem and picture on my facebook page today and I haven't been able to stop crying.  Emotions are high as Dylan's second birthday is coming up.  This is so beautiful that I had to share it.

"My Dear Mother:

I did not die young.

I lived my span of life

Within your body

And within your love.

There are many

Who have lived long lives

And have not been loved as me.

If you would honour me

Then speak my name

And number me among your family.

If you would honour me

Then strive to live in love

For, in this love, I live.

Never ever doubt

That we will meet again.

Until that happy day

I will grow with God

And wait for you."



Author Unknown

(It came from the miscarriage and pregnancy loss page on facebook)

Blessed

So we have been busy lately :)  Busy relaxing :)

We went to my cousin's wedding in North Carolina, and took some extra time just for ourselves to go to the beach for a week.  It's been awhile since the two of us went off to spend time doing nothing, and it was wonderful. We made it to the beach with a cooler of beer every day we were there. We ate some amazing seafood and sushi.   Even had a few friends meet up for dinner or a day at the beach :)

at the wedding reception

already REALLY miss this!

The next vacation isn't planned yet, but I already can't wait!


It's important to be reminded of what is really important in life.

We got home from vacation and wanted to turn around and go back.  Returning back to reality is a shock to the system.  And when there's something waiting there to slap you in the face... you need to remember your TRUE support system.  I am blessed with an amazing husband.  Sure he drives me crazy when he's constantly biting his nails, and of course we have disagreements... we are two different people, I mean come on! Show me two people that agree on everything that aren't completely boring!

He might drive me nuts at times (and I him) but he's my best friend.  We are open and honest about everything (even if it hurts) and we work for our marriage everyday.  We don't take things for granted, we cherish the little things.

But aside from my hubby, we are also blessed by the amazing family and friends that we have.  We were able to witness my cousin (more like big brother) get married to a super sweet gal and take part in their special day.  We went up to the McGraw reunion to spend time with that side of our family.  I pretty much missed both bonfires because I was in some pretty great conversations that I didn't want to blow off.   Hearing them tell us how they love us, pray for us, and that they talk about and pray for our boys with their children made my cup runneth over... we are so blessed.  I came home to a mailbox full of cards from friends telling me they are thinking about us.  I have a feeling that a little bird told a few of them that I was having a hard time recently... and they turned around to send me a little note reminding me that they are there, supporting and loving us.

Just take a moment today to think about all the love and support you have surrounding you.  You might not realize you have it, but you do. Don't take it for granted.

Walk for Hope 2013

This past weekend, Patrick and I went to the Wisconsin Walk for Hope.

It's a walk organized by a family that lost their little girl, Hannah.  And it's for all families that have lost a child.  They survive 100% on donations, and this is even is free for the grieving families.  They have t-shirts for you to decorate (we write our children's names and a little something to them), Compassionate friends, another great org, makes buttons with your pictures, and a very moving balloon release before we walk along the lake.  It might all sound simple, but there's something about being surrounded by other people that know what you've gone through, that understand that loss.

Here are some pictures from the day:

Patrick forgetting to look at the camera ;)
while holding our balloons for our angels.

I LOVE this one.

All those balloons, for all those children...
They had notes to them attached

Lately

To follow up, I have started my poppy painting :) Still need to finish my thank you cards! And haven't started the baby book... but all in good time, right?

So holidays suck. I think they will forever now.  Even ones like the 4th of July and memorial day (as opposed to Thanksgiving and Christmas...the ones everyone thinks about).  It's a time to be with your family.  So it's just a reminder of what's missing.  NOT that I don't think about my children every second of every day, because I do.  It's seeing all the other families together, with their kids...the dads playing with their sons and the moms snuggling and kissing... it's hard.

But on the 3rd of July, I received a package.  Not just any package! It had Noah's Molly Bear inside!

Weighing 1# 13oz just like our boy did,  it was the best gift to come home to.

What are Molly Bears you ask?? They are a GREAT non-profit organization that makes bears for grieving families in the weight of their lost child.  They started because Molly's mom was given a teddy bear weighing what her precious Molly weighed when she passed away and it brought her so much comfort.  She was in support groups, like us, and started making them for those families and soon had so many requests that they started the organization.  They work and create bears solely on donations, so if you've got a spare $20, think about donating it to this amazing group!

Learn more about Molly Bears here


What did you do last night??

We ran in the Storm the Bastille event here in Milwaukee. It's a super fun 5K running through the downtown area.  I recently hurt my knee and had not been running much and the re-tweaked it on Monday night so I wasn't sure I was going to be up for it.  But I woke up thursday and felt great. I didn't run as hard as I wanted to, but I didn't want to re-injure myself!  But it was a lot of fun!

Are you going any fun runs this year??

Projects

So I, like many people (I HOPE!) have these great plans to make or do certain things :)

I WANT to do them! And I plan to!

Maybe if I tell you all about them, I WILL do them and you can help keep me in line and accountable! ;)

I'm only going to write a couple of my goals, as I've picked through them so I don't over whelm myself and give up! Do you do that?

ok here goes!

1. Finish all my business thank you's for their donations to our March of Dimes auction.  This is important for several reasons! One, I AM thankful that they donated! I want them to know that it meant something to me that they did. And maybe they will donate again, if I choose to continue with the kick off events. This is about 1/4-1/3 done as of today (7/2/13)

2. Paint my poppy painting for our kitchen.  The final color scheme of our kitchen is a terra cotta orange against wood cabinets and turquoise accents. So I wanted to paint orange poppies with a turquoise sky to sort of tie it all together.

a combo of these two pics :)

3. This is the big one and this one will take me more time, but someone needs to do this! I want to make a baby book for mama's out there like me. Who find out during their pregnancy that something might be wrong.  A book that focuses on helping moms remember the details about the pregnancy, etc. I wanted baby books for both boys, but they ALL have "Baby's first steps" , "Baby's first word" and so on...pages that would be left empty and hurt more because I know that I will never see Dylan's first steps or hear Noah's first word.  So I don't buy the books and no I have no baby books.

I don't think I'm alone here. I have a feeling there would be other mom's out there that would like these.

What do you think? and please feel free to ask how I'm doing on these!! ;)

I hope you all have a wonderful and safe holiday!