I can't quote scripture word of word, and I can't tell you which Apostle told which story. I went to Sunday school as a little girl, and continued going through high school. I remember the easter egg hunts in the pews, and the chocolate bunnies and the baked ham dinner. As I got older, I remember getting the palm leaf the week before Sunday. But I never really understood.
When we found out that Dylan was sick, we were angry. I can speak for myself and fully admit, I was angry with God. How could he do this? What did we do wrong to deserve this? Our sweet innocent baby taken away from us...WHY?!? On bad/weak days, we can fall back on the anger. That's easy.
But the hard part? Focusing on the good. We cherished the 37 1/2 weeks that I was able to carry Dylan, to feel him kick and move around. We took maternity pictures and succumbed to marinara sauce carvings. I painted pictures for his nursery, washed all his baby clothes. (If you can recall, the doctors didn't know the extent of what Dylan had or what it meant, so we tried to prepare as best we could for the complete unknown) And we were given two full months of baby smiles, wiggles, kisses and baths, all be it not in the ideal situation, but those two months were a blessing and a gift.
And then when we realized we would be reliving that nightmare with our Noah, the same emotions flooded on through. Anger first, and then we had to be strong and focus on the blessings. This time we knew the outcome, a gift from his big brother Dylan, so we knew not to put Noah through the same battles as Dylan. We again took maternity pictures and succumbed again to different cravings of Kraft Mac & Cheese and buffalo chicken tenders. Noah was incredibly active during his pregnancy. I felt him very early on in the pregnancy and once he started, it was a full day of summersaults and fist bumps. We were given a 50% chance of Noah surviving the pregnancy, and getting the chance to meet our boy alive. We prayed and prayed, and those prayers were answered (yet another gift) and beyond, as we were given two full hours with our little boy. Pray to Him, and He will listen. Noah never struggled or felt pain. All he ever knew was the world form inside my belly and then the love that surrounded him during his two hours here on earth.
More miracles have been confirmed as time as gone on. We learned that the genetic disorder that our boys had is in fact lethal to males. The boys never make it through the pregnancy. But BOTH of my boys did.
Women that I have never physically met have banded together walking and raising money with their children in loving honor and memory of our boys, all benefitting the March of Dimes. I believe this also to be a gift. It's a gift in the sense that we know that our boys live on in the hearts of many, their lives were not lost in vain, and that they will never be forgotten. Talk about gifts! :)
People sometimes ask me, after hearing about our story, how I can still believe in God after the experiences we have been through. I tell them what I know or of what I believe very deep inside of me. I don't believe God took my children from me. I don't believe He is punishing my husband or I, or our children. We live in an imperfect world, where good people die; where good people are killed, taken advantage of, robbed, starved...the list goes on. I don't believe God to be a punishing God, but a loving God. Those of you that are familiar with the Bible and scripture know this week to be a very Holy one. Today is Holy Thursday, the day of the Last Supper. Jesus tells the apostles that this will be their last meal together, and he knows that He will soon be sacrificed.
And those familiar with the story, know of the crucifixion and then the resurrection (Easter Sunday). And then Jesus comes to John, and from that, the Book of Revelation.
"I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty."
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
And the promise that I will get to see my children again, is what gets me through each passing day and gives me the hope that I cling onto.
I am not trying to say one religion is better than others, or make you a believer if you aren't one. I'm sharing with you my thoughts and beliefs, especially since I do get asked this question and I'm sure others have. I can proudly say that I am a mother of angels <3
It is also not accidental the timing of this post, as Easter Sunday is approaching. To me, it means a lot more than marshmallow peeps and chocolate bunnies nowadays.
Beautifully written, my love. We all too often forget to count our blessings. Personally, despite the grief and sorrow, we have a lot of them. One of my biggest blessings is you and being able to witness your ability to share of yourself freely and openly with others, especially in honor and memory of our children. I love you.
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