Cowardice

So they were talking about men and women breaking up with each other via email and text in relationships and in friendships and it got me thinking... about how cowardly it truly is.

I will be the first to admit I am far from perfect.  I've hurt people by letting them down, or with words. We can all be catty and hurtful, we are human after all.

And as a victim of an email friendship break-up, I can tell you it showed me how weak they are.
It showed me how little they valued the friendship.
And it the end, it showed me how better off I am without them.

Why do people have such hard times telling someone something in person? Yes, I understand that your words could hurt, but don't you have enough respect for that person to consider their feelings and tell them in person?

Have you ever been dumped in an email or text?

well there's maybe 20 of you

that check this without needing me to post it on facebook, so THANK YOU.

But that means I need to continue to entertain you ;)

So my birthday was on Tues...if you remember reading, I struggle somewhat with celebrating it now after losing Dylan so close to it.  But overall, it was a nice day.

Woke up to a hot breakfast that Patrick made for me, and a bag of chocolate yummyness from my awesome Father-in-law.  Came to work to a decorated desk and lab bench and bag of chocolates (thanks Polly :) and are you sensing a trend??? I like chocolate ;))

Received MANY birthday texts and fb messages as well, making me feel quite special.

Patrick took me out to dinner at a new restaurant (don't you just love going to new places?) where we shared a BOTTLE of wine ON A TUESDAY...but it was great!

Then came home where I got to open my presents :) Tickets to Who's Line and a really fun print and a very special perfume bottle from my awesome mother-in-law (yes my in-laws really are awesome, I'm VERY lucky) and a very much needed massage from my dad and stepmom!

here's the fun print :)

Thank you for the kind words and well wishes.  Every day is hard without them, special days are harder because we want them here with us to share it with them.  But thank you for helping me feel special and for sort of forcing me to celebrate (not in a bad way...it sounds bad and I don't mean it to, but I can't think of a better word right now)

Exams!

ARG!

I'm only taking 1 course right now, but the amount of exams we have...well it's A LOT!

I had one on wed night and now I've got one today!

ONE CLASS!

So that explains the lapse in posts...

Hopefully all goes well tonight, so I can try to somewhat celebrate the good ol'birthday tomorrow!

Be back soon!

2 years ago today...

2 years ago today, we had to say goodbye to you.

And while it makes me cry (and probably always will), there were many good things that happened that day. Because of two VERY special doctors, Dr Humphrey and Dr Leuthner, we were able to take you home. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

We drove in that Monday morning knowing what the outcome would be.  But we didn't want you feeling an ounce of our sadness.  You had one of the overnight nurses that wasn't my favorite...and she had given you some medication that made you sleepy.  She didn't know you well enough to know that you were only irritated because you didn't like the ventilator system you were on. You liked running the show, and breathing when you wanted to.  If she had known you... Mommy wanted to punch that nurse, but instead took a deep breath and carried on.  I asked to hold you.

And hold you I did.

I held you until I wasn't able to anymore, when the transport team needed to get you ready for our big trip.  Transport was very nice and helped make sure that you were bundled up enough so you wouldn't get cold.  We put you in your moose fleece and your special hat that great grandma had knit for you. When you were all bundled up and secured on the gurney, mommy and daddy joked that you looked like you were going to the moon on a rocket ship.

They then told us one of us could go with you.

We looked at each other, and your daddy let me ride with you. Daddy knew I didn't want to let you out of my sight, and I didn't want you to be scared. I wanted you to be able to hear me talk to you, and tell you that it will be okay.

Dr Leuthner wanted to give you some pain medication to help with any discomfort.  But he knew you :) He gave you a half dose, because you were our little superman.  A half dose was all you needed. And then we started the drive home.

The sun came out and it had turned into an unseasonably warm day for October in Wisconsin.

When we got home the ambulance pulled into the driveway, and we were greeted by all of your grandparents and your dog Vedder (who was VERY excited to meet you).

We went inside first, to get everything settled and to see your great grandmothers, the cat, and your aunt and uncle (who were helping by taking videos and pictures to remember the day-THANK YOU).

Everyone got a chance to hold you, and kiss you, and tell you how much they loved you.  It was wonderful to see you home and completely surrounded by love.

We then took you outside, since it was so nice out.  You were able to breathe fresh air, and feel the sun on your precious face.

And then really meet the dog...

Puppy kisses

Then mommy and daddy took you back inside, to your room, to see and feel your crib.  Mommy even got to change your diaper at home! Only one, but I'll never forget it.  I know some mommy's and daddy's get sick of dirty diapers, but if it meant you were still here with me, I'll take all of them. Yours and their babies dirty diapers.

All your grandparents, great grandmothers, and your aunt and uncle left so that we could be alone with you at home.  The doctors removed your tubes and we were able to hold you for the first time without them.

I was able to cuddle you the way I always wanted to, the way every mother should be able to...but not all do.

so was daddy :)

We had a few hours together. To be able to sing and dance, read to you. Kiss your sweet little face. 

And we promised you, that we would be okay.  It's because of that promise little man that I get out of bed and continue doing good things in your name.  Because trust me, it would be a lot easier to pull the shades down and stay in bed all day. We honor that promise to you, sweet boy.

I was holding you in my arms with daddy sitting next to us. Daddy and the doctors were talking and I wasn't completely paying attention to the whole conversation.  But I know we both heard the important parts.

Daddy told the doctors, that given the chance, we would have done it all over again.  Knowing everything and how it all turned out, getting the opportunity to carry you, give birth to you, hold you, love you, and know you made all the tears and pain worth it.  That to us, you were (you still are!) perfect. You took your last breath after hearing what daddy had to say. 

I thank God for how peaceful it went.  You didn't suffer at all, no struggling or pain.  I thank God for those two doctors who made our dream of taking you home a reality. 

And I know that you may not be with us physically anymore, I know you are with us.

Because, I carry a piece of you. 

I carry it in my heart.

Dylan's leaf

I have written about my breast milk donation before (here)

Another mom friend who also lost her baby boy, sent her milk in for donation as well.  She posted the pictures of the leaf they added to the tree for him :) She was able to actually locate which one was his in the whole tree, so I sent an email to IMMB asking if they could help me do the same.

They are SO wonderful there! She went out and took 4-5 more pictures of the tree/branch and leaf for Dylan so that I could see where he was in the tree. Really made my day :)

It's just a nice gesture, that IMMB does this in honor of the babies that weren't able to use their mom's milk.

October

I used to love this month.

It has my birthday, my BFF's birthday, my sister's and grandma's birthdays, and my favorite holiday, Halloween.

As a little kid the month of your birthday is full of excitement and anticipation. Plus, my mom was a BIG birthday person too, so the house was decorated and she always made YOUR favorite meal. Who am I kidding, I still loved my birthday month even up to a few years ago.  Ask my BFF Angie...she has to share a birthday with me :) And we used to work together. So EVERYONE knew when our birthday was, because I was SO excited and had to tell everyone. Thankfully, she still loves me :)

Plus, it is cooling down and all the leaves are changing color, fall has always been a favorite season.

But now as soon as Oct 1st hits, a weight in the pit of my stomach starts to form.

I have honestly cried everyday this month so far.

No it isn't all the additional stress with school and things with my mom (she's better now, thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers-she is home recovering)

I remember when I was turning 16.  One of my grandpa's had just passed away.  I told my parents that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday.  And my friends got together and contacted my dad and surprised me out at my dad's house one weekend for my birthday (Do you remember this Ash? Dad maybe you do too?).  I was SO PISSED. I turned around and walked out of the room they were in.  I just wanted to be allowed to grieve and it didn't feel right to celebrate my birth, after losing someone important to me.

Well...now multiply that feeling times a million.

My baby boy passed away 5 days before my birthday in 2011.

And I'm supposed to celebrate life?

 When they aren't here.

I told you I can't stop crying either, so that doesn't really put me in the party mood.

In two days, it is also the anniversary of us losing another special person in our lives. Last year we lost Patrick's uncle Mike.  He never made me feel like an outsider, he always treated me like family. So he was my uncle too.  And talk about a love for life. He was ALWAYS smiling and singing, dancing and cooking in the kitchen.

I can honestly tell you, that I really don't care much for this month at all anymore.  I'd be fine with removing it from the calendar completely, but I'm sure other Oct birthday people might have a small problem with that. But I can dislike the month now.