Yesterday I lied a couple of times. I was asked how I was doing and I simply replied fine with a small shrug that I was hoping was enough and I wouldn't have to talk anymore.
Some days are harder than others. It seems for me, sometimes the build up is that hardest. The anticipation of the pain and grief. The unfairness feeling and the anger slithers back in, the "what ifs" and the "I should've done this" haunt you all over again.
But I have to fight myself and focus on the good of that day. You might remember from reading my blog, that our little Noah was given a 50% chance of surviving labor. Our courageous boy not only survived labor, but he blessed us with 2 hours before he joined God and his big brother in heaven.
My sweet Noah,
Happy birthday peanut! I can't believe a year has gone by since we last saw your face. I know you're going to have the best birthday party ever today with all your great grandparents, your great uncles, and Taylor and Dylan. I hope you smash a cake and get frosting all over. I hope the sun shines bright all day for you. Mommy and Daddy are taking today off, to spend time together and to remember that day the right way. To celebrate you and your life. To remember and to cherish that we got to meet you, hold you, and kiss you. We will be sure to get some buffalo chicken tenders, since those were your favorite and we will listen to some Mellencamp in the car.
We will try to send you some balloons, or lanterns (if mommy can find them at the store) so make sure to watch for them!
Please continue to watch over me and daddy, and give us the strength to get through each day without you. We hang on to the promise of seeing you again, and it continues to give us hope and act as the driving force behind all the work we do so that no one else has to feel this pain.
I'll love you for forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
People always ask what they can do. Honestly, the best thing for us is to help us honor our children. To speak their names in our presence, or to ask questions about them. To tell us stories about your kiddos talking about them. To walk with us with our March of Dimes team, honoring their memories and doing so much good in their names. It may seem simple, but it means the world to us knowing that we are not alone in remembering our children. That their lives were not lost in vain, that they meant something to you too. That they taught you how to love your children even more on the days when you want to shake them.
People might be getting sick of my March of Dimes postings, and how badly I'm trying to get people to walk and help raise money. But I'm doing it with good reason, I don't want someone else to have to go through this loss. And I may have set an unrealistic goal of $39,000 for 2014. But in 2012 we raised $34,000 and $26,000 last year. If we raised $39,000, we will have raised $100,000 for the March of Dimes mission. To me, that's amazing. And sure if we don't do it this year, we will try again next year. But it won't stop me from trying this year!
You can go here to sign up to walk with us or to make a donation: